I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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