My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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