but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
its not stalking. its research.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
