Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
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