i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
