Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
