watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
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