she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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