i'm signing you up for texting rehab
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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