I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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