I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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