Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
