I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
