I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
