Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
