a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I smell like Dick and happiness
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