ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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