Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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