I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
