so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
