Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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