I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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