Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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