your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
