The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
