Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
