I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
