i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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