I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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