she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
