i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize