I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
