I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
