I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
