she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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