I seem to have left my pride at pride
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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