Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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