i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
