You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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