I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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