Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
