nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
This show inspires me to have sex in space
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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