So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
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