He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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