I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
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