i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
