your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
