Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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