I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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