I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
