The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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