At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
