my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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