he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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