Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Welp...herpes.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
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