I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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