my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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