Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
