Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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