Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
