Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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