I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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