Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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