im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Randomize
