I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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