dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
