Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
