Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
