He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
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