Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Randomize
