remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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