They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Let's get the cat blown out
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
