You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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