So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
he thought i was a dude.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
